Paterno

A situação é tão inadequada e sei tão pouco como agir que tenho que conter o riso criado pelo descontrole sobre as minhas maneiras quando próximo a ele. Assim que entrei no carro, fui tomado pela apatia e invadido por um perfume extremamente doce, talvez barato, que não abandonou minhas vias até pouco depois da chegada. As perguntas foram cuidadosamente escolhidas, preocupações pouco verdadeiras, concernimento nada convincente... só esquivando da fragilidade do que realmente precisa ser dito. As respostas, devidamente entregues, mas secas, não havia nenhum sentimento para revestí-las. O trajeto curto - não fosse os momentos em que sua mão pousava sobre minha perna, numa atitude fraternal antes comum - logo teve fim, desceram todos e depois de um abraço, também curto, virei as costas, pra ele e pro cheiro dela, que agora seria sua companhia. Ele se ofereceu pra outra carona, dessa vez pra volta, e eu respondi de qualquer jeito, agradecendo. De uma forma que deixou claro que não nos veríamos mais naquele dia. Em um relance, o vi entrando cabisbaixo no carro e quase me voltei pra assistir sua ida, mas não o fiz.

A toast for the year that never was

Ackwardness, hollowness, empytness. I'd love it if it were, I really would. Some tears, aclcohol, cigarettes and memories. The whole bunch of them. The ones that will remain forever. I love the you no longer is there. Forever. That's all.

No, no... you are not

Cute song

"Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now I swored to myself
That I'm content with loneliness,
Because none of it was ever worth the risk"


But there was no exception this time, only the rule, again teh rule, sometimes I wonder if I burn all the memories, eternal shine of the spotless mind is that bad? try to erase everything when your evrything just shows up when it pleases him?

Toughts...

xoxo

Untitled

Valentine's day e hoje ironicamente acabaram as tentativas, de vez. No fundo nós dois sabíamos que as coisas não iriam acabar do jeito dos romances, sabíamos as chances disso não eram lá as maiores, mas foi bom tentar, foi bom sse despedir assim, houve conformidade. Antes, não. E eu me sinto bem por ter vivido isso e por ter me entregado uma vez totalmente, mesmo que isso tenha me consumido da forma mais dolorosa e gratificante que pode existir.
Agora to tentando ajustar as coisas, voltar de verdade pro meu próprio eixo, sem rodeios, tentativas errôneas, aproximações nocivas e infelizmente sem nós. Também me desfiz de velhos amigos de certa forma, deletei-os ciberneticamente, não só eles, os recém conhecidos e tudo que julguei necessário, sem aviso prévio, é melhor. Eu não posso sempre me deixar apoiar a cada coisa ruim que acontece. Nem tentar justificar meus próprios erros com outras pessoas. Enfim mudamos, tudo mudou.
Não sei como as coisas serão.

It's like I'm stuck in a card game, let's take one of those like freecell and sutff, I want to achieve my goals, organize all the cards, acomplish everything but nothing I want is reachable, even though I can see, tasle and feel it. It's time to give the cards and start a new game, on my own, no tips, no clues or help.

I skip my heart beatS for you

The truth is, when you get to call someone love of your life, that is the only one that is able to make you completely happy. Even though you've already said the opposite or made it seems you didn't believe anymore. A shame is being apart.

The Time Traveler's Wife (~)

In despite of all the bad critics about it, I loved the movie. How could I not fell in love with a story where time were no capable of bounding their love? Where one didn't need the other at all, ( actually, their relationship was the most painfull and full of distance) and they'd probably be better if they've not met, buuut, they'd rather die not being together? And even tough sometimes they couldn't be together because he vanished in the air, they got throw it all. Impossible not to fell for it. { Let's say it right away, I have a love of my life and I'v got only one, so you're the one. And our forever were interrupted and thjat's a shame. }

oo ~ ?

Listening Kate Perry's "Thinking of You" not intencionally (the car's radio was turned on) suddenly reminded me all that guilt, the weight from my drawing and everything...doens't matter.

What I really came to write was something about endlessness. I never liked forever, nothing without an end pleased me. I'm terrified of it. But, when I was with the one I considered the love of my life, I forgot it, I wanted infinity, all I wanted was it. I took long figuring it out, we we're trying for the third time being together, I was insecure, I didn't want to get again and after a couple weeks, I was completely given, my essence was not only mine anymore. Hurt again. How pathetic is that? I couldn't accept heaven that should be wonderful forever but I could do it with a love that ended in six months.