Love is not a competition, but I'm loosing

There's been a while I don't write here. I've been a full time boyfriend for long and that wouldn't be a problem if I still were one. But, I should be ready for this, I tried to keep me steady, but my efforts were worthless after all. Now I see His world completely built up, only hiding behide a courtain to show up in my first lack of presence, a place where you smile, with alcohol or not, being with your friends. A plce I had once, destroyed for my own choices.
There are those who still miss me, those who asks for my friendship even past everything I've done. True. But I have, I need to build a new world, I'ts hard I must warn, being not self confident is a higly NOT recomended quality for those who want it. HThe gym is helping quite a lot, I've got no time waasted in my misleading mind during my afternoons if I concentrate, taking more classes while I'm there, like Yoga, Pilates, Bike, Abs... not concerning of course the musculation. Physical pain plus the endorfin in my brain are almost a perfect placebo. I just feel sorry for the effect ending as fast as it can. I'm already meeting people there that seems to like me the way I'm. When I'm out I see those who looks at me, smile in a different way. But I'm closed. And changes are needed right away. Not opening me for the world, getting everything I can with a distorced sense of emptyness being filled, no. Changes mean being enough for myself.

I'll rise in my own knees and then stand at my feet. I wish my best friend, even tough he don't want it, could support me. I feel sorry for my abscense pulling you down. But, if you prefer keep a safe distance from you poisonous garbage friend, I'll do it the same way, I'll just need more time.


I like this picture.

hi-FIVE

I can't say anything I haven't already said, but I will. Five months and all the beauty in the world, I love you my dearest swand sweetest man. The one who makes me miss more and more and love also more each day. ♥ oo ~

* Even to forget our month B-day we forget together.

New Moon

For the first time in moons I got to travel, something I really love. But this time, it wasn't that good, I missed you. And this book became my best decoy. Each word slowly driven to my mind while the wet days lasted. They seemed to have much more than twenty four hours, the same number of chapters, and I needed to keep reading for almost a week.

I discovered how to distract me when I couldn't talk to you or was sparing the book. The history helped me with the ideas, the unstopable rain, the frozen pool in front of my bedroom and the ocean a block from me. All strangely set. I must almost got pneumonia for not making any effort to keep me dry. I made good use of all this, mostly the sea I should say.

I was hearing your voice, talking to you - on the phone, not in my mind - and I said "I'll jump in the water", not exactly like the book - unfortunatelly - But still, I started to run, like my feet would untouch the sand while the rain drops tried to hit me, dropped what I carried, took of my scarf, my pants and my shirt off and felt the waves crashing above me while I was swallowed by the water, making my body shivered, dormant. I finished the book coming back home, couldn't barely wait to chat about it with you.

Turned out, you were there, right beside me, weren't you?

Love, A.

Past Weight

"Sometimes I still have doubts, some memories that come back and I should apology for sometimes crushing you, stomping you with the whole past weight, and as you said, forgiving is leave any ideas that the past could be different."

I'm sorry my love >< for being evil HSUHASUHSAU

That's the second one, wait for the next

You know that I love you xoxo

♥

Afternoons

I'm writing it quicly, beforeyou get home. After this afternoon we spent together. It was ... amazing.

Our play had some breaks. But your the best character, not actor, character, you're actually a terrible actor. Which is good. And all interactions in all ways are so intense... comedy when we laugh till death, terror and thriller coming with the fear of being caught, drama when we fight and hurt each other and romance, that put those ones all together and make us feel just like we do the whole day, what make us miss, think, dream and love.

♥

Rest in pieces dear friend. Yes, it's broken.

Primeiramente seu blog novo não era secreto. O dia no Ibira não foi tão bom pra mim, senti a falta do Sr Misery, não é assim que você resolveu chamá-lo?

Finalmente, depois de tanta omissão, tentativas de melhoras e tudo mais acho que de uma vez por todas você deveria se tocar - até escrevo isto em português, sem sobras, pontas desatadas - Entenda, eu nunca correspondi a seus sentimentos, eu nem mesmo me dei o trabalho de tentar. Ou daria. Tudo nunca passou de amizade, que há tempos já não é mais a mesma, por mais que tenhamos nos convencido do contrário. Você não devia se vangloriar de um ou dois beijos interrompidos rapidamente pela ausência da minha vontade naquele dia, eu só estava excitado, sem mais motivos. Lembra que eu dizia que sentia falta de algo, e achava que fosse amor? Essa sensação foi saciada. Adimita estar sendo bem mais do que infantil, imbecil se encaixaria melhor. Você julga o Sr misery falso, mas era você quem dizia que era impossível pra você não gostar dele, é claro, enquanto eu dizia que nunca mais poderia voltar com ele, era seguro. Você é tão hipócrita e melodramático, seus últimos textos chegaram ao ápice do meu asco. O ocaso do fim. Como diz seu lindo mais novo título. Isso não é uma despedida, em despedidas o que sobra é o melhor das pessoas, e você se tornou um negativo na minha lista.
Será que escrevendo isso estou fazendo parte de mais algum passinho do seu novo best-seller de auto ajuda?
Se todoo seu desejo de fazer cair se tornar atos, vou considerar pessoal. E esses seus pedacinhos, cacos empoeirados, já estão debaixo do tapete a tempo demais. Junte-os e extermíneos. Você não gosta tanto do novo ser que você se tornou? - Não era esse meu amigo, o das belas ameixas, que eu esperava um dia se atrair por um outro alguém, um alguém merecedor delas, que também as possuísse - Não vou ficar esperando aqueles picos onde posso ter um breve contato com ele. Eu lembro, o que foi bom vai ficar guardado, está tudo por aqui, por lembranças, caixas e objetos. Afinal você conheceu bastante do meu mundo.

Eu não mudei, nada de cacos por aqui, não devorei minhas ameixas. Pode ser só minha visão, mas as grandes mudanças não aconteceram por aqui. As pessoas fazem escolhas, e eu só subtrai nosso tempo. Coisa que vem sendo feita em todos os sentidos ultimamente, é de tempo que preciso, tempo de ócio.

EU realmente não queria estar escrevendo isso, mas eu setni extrema necessidade nos últimos dias. E como eu disse, aqui está o apogeu.

You should watch Gossip Girl, see that even in series, the one who seems to be the bad guy, is actually pretty human. And the sheep chooses to dress like wolve.

xoxo

When you asks

I almost forgot, I love it when you asks if you can ask something before actually doing it.

I'm turning into a incurable romantic...

Embaressed

Today we remebered a bit, together. You said it isn't love when you cheat. And you're probably right. I know we won't, not this time. When we said it, we meant it. Would be such a shame loose what we've got. It sprang to my ming I tought about being with another people those days also, I shouldn't complain about you trying to understand what you've really felt about me. However, with you I feel satisfied. I got that there's no need to other people, just places, the places I want to know. Now I can laugh of all that happened, I forgave what hurt me and you should forgive yourself now. It's terrible when you waste your tears in sadness, guilt. I rather prefer seeing your cheeks turning red, and I saw it again. Delightful indeed. Your false strenght fades, and you show yourself so defenseless. It's sublime, your smile, marking the wrinkle by your tiny eyes. I love you.

Send me you

I may have told you, I'm very afraid of eternity, words like "endless", "forever" or "infinity". Spending the rest, "the rest of our lives", "our entire lives" together, all these monsters scared the hell out of me. Allways did. But you're making it sound pretty bareble, pretty good actually.

A couple seasons ago I would say different. I asked, searched for tons of how's and why's, why this happened, how that was. Untill discover that even messed up, it was completely distorced. And much less painful that it seemed to be.

Only we can really understand. There are sides you only show me. And you're so charming... playing guitar, when you say it, laying down, wich is rare unfortunatelly, deadly jealous and not admiting it. C-r-y-i-n-g. And our skin dance, corpse, members and mouths, warm.

Sometimes I still have doubts, some memories that come back and I should apology for sometimes crushing you, stomping you with the whole past weight, and as you said, forgiving is leave any ideas that the past could be different.

You're the one. You make me want to not stop chating, talking on the phone, writing, drawing. You're the one who would go to the balcony stare at the moon and find me there waiting. Both romeos. I feel so happy by your side, our love grows nonstop, have you notice?

We've been apart for to long. A lot of moons smiling for no reason. In one hour we'll be boyfriends for one month and it tends to 8>

"Di quem a gente não dá conta de se separar, temo é que juntar mesmo" Jéssica Emília - GO

P.S.: You know that I love you.

Starvation

Altough I didn't want it to be this way it's not very easy to us being together. We fight, we're not allowed to go out, you're travelling, I'm busy... But then, when we finally get it, we become the almost perfect lovers, perfection is not reachable, filled of chills, lips, tongues, hands, legs, sheets, brests and whispers consfusing themselves, going higher and higher, so many times. I miss you like hell, you and everything you are, everything you bring me. I can feed a bit from your smell lingered im my clothes, with your voice in a short call or even your pictures but don't take to long, ok? Your sweetness, your skin... soon I'll starve.

Quit the drama and watch me judge

As I don't think you wanted to sound dramatic I also don't want to sound bigheaded you know it, at least you used to - and this "used to" is getting frequent - I've read, heard and seen stuff, I read, hear and see stuff, stuff... You say so much has changed, and course as two people I need to adimit both are guilty. But as my text, I'm showing my side. It may or not be right, but at the moment it is what it is to me.
You wrote what you've never said.
You became mute when I still trusted you to keep my secrets, all of them, even the ones I couldn't tell, your right.
You seemed to avoid my company as it didn't please you anymore, your right.
It didin't had to change, but you say it changed for better, you're right?

My sensei told me a few time ago that changes always happen and come with some sort of pain, so if you're letting something change and you're gonna feel pain, change for better. In a month from best friends we turned into strangers. It don't seem better to me.

Can't you help me as I'm starting to burn
no one can save me and you know I don't want the attention (8)

I'll always wish you the best.

Big jokers

We are such big jokers, aren't we? We start with a joke, and minutes later we're punching each other for real. After all this? We cry, rivers and rivers. But stopping to think, it makes me belive in everything. These everything that before sounded me so vague. Yeah you've made me suffer quite a bit. But among the pain you made me very happy, and now I know that there's no pain anymore. I'm sure, I can give all of me again, you showed me. You care, you want, you love me back.

Love, the one that once had doubts.

I don't.

I could start this in many other ways, but here it goes. You ruined it. The surprise I made it hoping it to be the real restart and you simply blowed it up. I made a really sweet thing for you, I knew the answer I was going to receive, but you talked to me as that day, again, as we were nothing, as it...
Fuck, then I had to hear someone saying: yeah, I made him do it, did you get angry? Because I really wanted you to get angry. Wait. Let me make it better...

~ x ~

I walked to meet them, as near I noticed his face was like shit. I knew he had seen it, he wanted it, so why? She was laughing as she told me he was mad. When I tought, pitty, it won't be as I imagined and I felt sorry for him. They kept playing, he made me feel as in our last farewell. I almost took my propose back. I was not really laughing, I wasn't happy because he said yes. I was angry, sad, I wanted to leave. At least he seemed to enjoy the whole scene. When finally away from them, I fell asleep, in an unconfortable bus sit, tired. Waking up, I had made my way till the metro station, I climbed down the stairs, bought the ticket and entered the vagoon. The alarm hang, the doors closed and it hit me, I placed my head between my arms and knees and tears rolled down. No old lady to talk to, nor a word the entire night, sweet dreams I said. Silence, again.

Tear us apart

You feel, don't you? Feel that we're drifting far. In some strange way, inadvertently. The exchange of words we once had vanished, the endless chats, the secrets kept. It's happening, we're turning into another 'thing'. Are you done with my world? Because I'm not done with yours, and it's not because I wanna hear you whispering I love you. I really miss our laughters, I miss our terrible tries to record our cd, our insistance to understand the understandable universe, our movies, even if you sleep instead watching them.

We know, my beloved friend.

P.S.: "There's only ONE way, TWO say, those THREE words, FOUR you" (8)

Again?

It took so long. After a couple cracks I even tought I didn't want anymore, actually I was pretty much convinced. But then...

Spyking

What to do when you suddenly get spykes? Not normal one. These seem to be the sharpest, poisonous. Made of two tips, craved in their owners and lovers. Any moviment and they go deeper and deeper down the flesh, taking blood for toxines. One sweet, delightful. The other bitter, painful. As a price the pain, before alien from the inoccent. The desventure of the sweetly poisoned and the grief of torned wishes from the bitterly cursed. Dual and wrongful crime.

Waste

I came here to talk about something. To talk about something I came here. I don't have nothing in mnd, so I'll leave. ^^'