Hollowheart

Paterno

2011-06-11T22:22:00.000-07:00

A situação é tão inadequada e sei tão pouco como agir que tenho que conter o riso criado pelo descontrole sobre as minhas maneiras quando próximo a ele. Assim que entrei no carro, fui tomado pela apatia e invadido por um perfume extremamente doce, talvez barato, que não abandonou minhas vias até pouco depois da chegada. As perguntas foram cuidadosamente escolhidas, preocupações pouco verdadeiras, concernimento nada convincente... só esquivando da fragilidade do que realmente precisa ser dito. As respostas, devidamente entregues, mas secas, não havia nenhum sentimento para revestí-las. O trajeto curto - não fosse os momentos em que sua mão pousava sobre minha perna, numa atitude fraternal antes comum - logo teve fim, desceram todos e depois de um abraço, também curto, virei as costas, pra ele e pro cheiro dela, que agora seria sua companhia. Ele se ofereceu pra outra carona, dessa vez pra volta, e eu respondi de qualquer jeito, agradecendo. De uma forma que deixou claro que não nos veríamos mais naquele dia. Em um relance, o vi entrando cabisbaixo no carro e quase me voltei pra assistir sua ida, mas não o fiz.

A toast for the year that never was

2010-04-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

Ackwardness, hollowness, empytness. I'd love it if it were, I really would. Some tears, aclcohol, cigarettes and memories. The whole bunch of them. The ones that will remain forever. I love the you no longer is there. Forever. That's all.

No, no... you are not

2010-03-26T20:08:00.000-07:00

Cute song

"Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone or keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now I swored to myself
That I'm content with loneliness,
Because none of it was ever worth the risk"

But there was no exception this time, only the rule, again teh rule, sometimes I wonder if I burn all the memories, eternal shine of the spotless mind is that bad? try to erase everything when your evrything just shows up when it pleases him?

Toughts...

xoxo

Untitled

2010-02-14T18:12:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day e hoje ironicamente acabaram as tentativas, de vez. No fundo nós dois sabíamos que as coisas não iriam acabar do jeito dos romances, sabíamos as chances disso não eram lá as maiores, mas foi bom tentar, foi bom sse despedir assim, houve conformidade. Antes, não. E eu me sinto bem por ter vivido isso e por ter me entregado uma vez totalmente, mesmo que isso tenha me consumido da forma mais dolorosa e gratificante que pode existir.
Agora to tentando ajustar as coisas, voltar de verdade pro meu próprio eixo, sem rodeios, tentativas errôneas, aproximações nocivas e infelizmente sem nós. Também me desfiz de velhos amigos de certa forma, deletei-os ciberneticamente, não só eles, os recém conhecidos e tudo que julguei necessário, sem aviso prévio, é melhor. Eu não posso sempre me deixar apoiar a cada coisa ruim que acontece. Nem tentar justificar meus próprios erros com outras pessoas. Enfim mudamos, tudo mudou.
Não sei como as coisas serão.

It's like I'm stuck in a card game, let's take one of those like freecell and sutff, I want to achieve my goals, organize all the cards, acomplish everything but nothing I want is reachable, even though I can see, tasle and feel it. It's time to give the cards and start a new game, on my own, no tips, no clues or help.

I skip my heart beatS for you

2010-02-03T21:27:00.000-08:00

The truth is, when you get to call someone love of your life, that is the only one that is able to make you completely happy. Even though you've already said the opposite or made it seems you didn't believe anymore. A shame is being apart.

The Time Traveler's Wife (~)

2010-01-23T10:33:00.000-08:00

In despite of all the bad critics about it, I loved the movie. How could I not fell in love with a story where time were no capable of bounding their love? Where one didn't need the other at all, ( actually, their relationship was the most painfull and full of distance) and they'd probably be better if they've not met, buuut, they'd rather die not being together? And even tough sometimes they couldn't be together because he vanished in the air, they got throw it all. Impossible not to fell for it. { Let's say it right away, I have a love of my life and I'v got only one, so you're the one. And our forever were interrupted and thjat's a shame. }

oo ~ ?

2010-01-15T20:28:00.000-08:00

Listening Kate Perry's "Thinking of You" not intencionally (the car's radio was turned on) suddenly reminded me all that guilt, the weight from my drawing and everything...doens't matter.

What I really came to write was something about endlessness. I never liked forever, nothing without an end pleased me. I'm terrified of it. But, when I was with the one I considered the love of my life, I forgot it, I wanted infinity, all I wanted was it. I took long figuring it out, we we're trying for the third time being together, I was insecure, I didn't want to get again and after a couple weeks, I was completely given, my essence was not only mine anymore. Hurt again. How pathetic is that? I couldn't accept heaven that should be wonderful forever but I could do it with a love that ended in six months.

Love is not a competition, but I'm loosing

2009-11-14T11:27:00.000-08:00

There's been a while I don't write here. I've been a full time boyfriend for long and that wouldn't be a problem if I still were one. But, I should be ready for this, I tried to keep me steady, but my efforts were worthless after all. Now I see His world completely built up, only hiding behide a courtain to show up in my first lack of presence, a place where you smile, with alcohol or not, being with your friends. A plce I had once, destroyed for my own choices.
There are those who still miss me, those who asks for my friendship even past everything I've done. True. But I have, I need to build a new world, I'ts hard I must warn, being not self confident is a higly NOT recomended quality for those who want it. HThe gym is helping quite a lot, I've got no time waasted in my misleading mind during my afternoons if I concentrate, taking more classes while I'm there, like Yoga, Pilates, Bike, Abs... not concerning of course the musculation. Physical pain plus the endorfin in my brain are almost a perfect placebo. I just feel sorry for the effect ending as fast as it can. I'm already meeting people there that seems to like me the way I'm. When I'm out I see those who looks at me, smile in a different way. But I'm closed. And changes are needed right away. Not opening me for the world, getting everything I can with a distorced sense of emptyness being filled, no. Changes mean being enough for myself.

I'll rise in my own knees and then stand at my feet. I wish my best friend, even tough he don't want it, could support me. I feel sorry for my abscense pulling you down. But, if you prefer keep a safe distance from you poisonous garbage friend, I'll do it the same way, I'll just need more time.

I like this picture.

hi-FIVE

2009-09-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

I can't say anything I haven't already said, but I will. Five months and all the beauty in the world, I love you my dearest swand sweetest man. The one who makes me miss more and more and love also more each day. ♥ oo ~

* Even to forget our month B-day we forget together.

New Moon

2009-08-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

For the first time in moons I got to travel, something I really love. But this time, it wasn't that good, I missed you. And this book became my best decoy. Each word slowly driven to my mind while the wet days lasted. They seemed to have much more than twenty four hours, the same number of chapters, and I needed to keep reading for almost a week.

I discovered how to distract me when I couldn't talk to you or was sparing the book. The history helped me with the ideas, the unstopable rain, the frozen pool in front of my bedroom and the ocean a block from me. All strangely set. I must almost got pneumonia for not making any effort to keep me dry. I made good use of all this, mostly the sea I should say.

I was hearing your voice, talking to you - on the phone, not in my mind - and I said "I'll jump in the water", not exactly like the book - unfortunatelly - But still, I started to run, like my feet would untouch the sand while the rain drops tried to hit me, dropped what I carried, took of my scarf, my pants and my shirt off and felt the waves crashing above me while I was swallowed by the water, making my body shivered, dormant. I finished the book coming back home, couldn't barely wait to chat about it with you.

Turned out, you were there, right beside me, weren't you?

Love, A.

Past Weight

2009-06-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes I still have doubts, some memories that come back and I should apology for sometimes crushing you, stomping you with the whole past weight, and as you said, forgiving is leave any ideas that the past could be different."

I'm sorry my love >< for being evil HSUHASUHSAU

That's the second one, wait for the next

You know that I love you xoxo

♥

Afternoons

2009-05-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

I'm writing it quicly, beforeyou get home. After this afternoon we spent together. It was ... amazing.

Our play had some breaks. But your the best character, not actor, character, you're actually a terrible actor. Which is good. And all interactions in all ways are so intense... comedy when we laugh till death, terror and thriller coming with the fear of being caught, drama when we fight and hurt each other and romance, that put those ones all together and make us feel just like we do the whole day, what make us miss, think, dream and love.

♥

Rest in pieces dear friend. Yes, it's broken.

2009-05-25T19:18:00.000-07:00

Primeiramente seu blog novo não era secreto. O dia no Ibira não foi tão bom pra mim, senti a falta do Sr Misery, não é assim que você resolveu chamá-lo?

Finalmente, depois de tanta omissão, tentativas de melhoras e tudo mais acho que de uma vez por todas você deveria se tocar - até escrevo isto em português, sem sobras, pontas desatadas - Entenda, eu nunca correspondi a seus sentimentos, eu nem mesmo me dei o trabalho de tentar. Ou daria. Tudo nunca passou de amizade, que há tempos já não é mais a mesma, por mais que tenhamos nos convencido do contrário. Você não devia se vangloriar de um ou dois beijos interrompidos rapidamente pela ausência da minha vontade naquele dia, eu só estava excitado, sem mais motivos. Lembra que eu dizia que sentia falta de algo, e achava que fosse amor? Essa sensação foi saciada. Adimita estar sendo bem mais do que infantil, imbecil se encaixaria melhor. Você julga o Sr misery falso, mas era você quem dizia que era impossível pra você não gostar dele, é claro, enquanto eu dizia que nunca mais poderia voltar com ele, era seguro. Você é tão hipócrita e melodramático, seus últimos textos chegaram ao ápice do meu asco. O ocaso do fim. Como diz seu lindo mais novo título. Isso não é uma despedida, em despedidas o que sobra é o melhor das pessoas, e você se tornou um negativo na minha lista.
Será que escrevendo isso estou fazendo parte de mais algum passinho do seu novo best-seller de auto ajuda?
Se todoo seu desejo de fazer cair se tornar atos, vou considerar pessoal. E esses seus pedacinhos, cacos empoeirados, já estão debaixo do tapete a tempo demais. Junte-os e extermíneos. Você não gosta tanto do novo ser que você se tornou? - Não era esse meu amigo, o das belas ameixas, que eu esperava um dia se atrair por um outro alguém, um alguém merecedor delas, que também as possuísse - Não vou ficar esperando aqueles picos onde posso ter um breve contato com ele. Eu lembro, o que foi bom vai ficar guardado, está tudo por aqui, por lembranças, caixas e objetos. Afinal você conheceu bastante do meu mundo.

Eu não mudei, nada de cacos por aqui, não devorei minhas ameixas. Pode ser só minha visão, mas as grandes mudanças não aconteceram por aqui. As pessoas fazem escolhas, e eu só subtrai nosso tempo. Coisa que vem sendo feita em todos os sentidos ultimamente, é de tempo que preciso, tempo de ócio.

EU realmente não queria estar escrevendo isso, mas eu setni extrema necessidade nos últimos dias. E como eu disse, aqui está o apogeu.

You should watch Gossip Girl, see that even in series, the one who seems to be the bad guy, is actually pretty human. And the sheep chooses to dress like wolve.

xoxo

When you asks

2009-05-24T09:33:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot, I love it when you asks if you can ask something before actually doing it.

I'm turning into a incurable romantic...

Embaressed

2009-05-23T21:09:00.000-07:00

Today we remebered a bit, together. You said it isn't love when you cheat. And you're probably right. I know we won't, not this time. When we said it, we meant it. Would be such a shame loose what we've got. It sprang to my ming I tought about being with another people those days also, I shouldn't complain about you trying to understand what you've really felt about me. However, with you I feel satisfied. I got that there's no need to other people, just places, the places I want to know. Now I can laugh of all that happened, I forgave what hurt me and you should forgive yourself now. It's terrible when you waste your tears in sadness, guilt. I rather prefer seeing your cheeks turning red, and I saw it again. Delightful indeed. Your false strenght fades, and you show yourself so defenseless. It's sublime, your smile, marking the wrinkle by your tiny eyes. I love you.

Send me you

2009-05-12T18:32:00.000-07:00

I may have told you, I'm very afraid of eternity, words like "endless", "forever" or "infinity". Spending the rest, "the rest of our lives", "our entire lives" together, all these monsters scared the hell out of me. Allways did. But you're making it sound pretty bareble, pretty good actually.

A couple seasons ago I would say different. I asked, searched for tons of how's and why's, why this happened, how that was. Untill discover that even messed up, it was completely distorced. And much less painful that it seemed to be.

Only we can really understand. There are sides you only show me. And you're so charming... playing guitar, when you say it, laying down, wich is rare unfortunatelly, deadly jealous and not admiting it. C-r-y-i-n-g. And our skin dance, corpse, members and mouths, warm.

Sometimes I still have doubts, some memories that come back and I should apology for sometimes crushing you, stomping you with the whole past weight, and as you said, forgiving is leave any ideas that the past could be different.

You're the one. You make me want to not stop chating, talking on the phone, writing, drawing. You're the one who would go to the balcony stare at the moon and find me there waiting. Both romeos. I feel so happy by your side, our love grows nonstop, have you notice?

We've been apart for to long. A lot of moons smiling for no reason. In one hour we'll be boyfriends for one month and it tends to 8>

"Di quem a gente não dá conta de se separar, temo é que juntar mesmo" Jéssica Emília - GO

P.S.: You know that I love you.

Starvation

2009-05-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

Altough I didn't want it to be this way it's not very easy to us being together. We fight, we're not allowed to go out, you're travelling, I'm busy... But then, when we finally get it, we become the almost perfect lovers, perfection is not reachable, filled of chills, lips, tongues, hands, legs, sheets, brests and whispers consfusing themselves, going higher and higher, so many times. I miss you like hell, you and everything you are, everything you bring me. I can feed a bit from your smell lingered im my clothes, with your voice in a short call or even your pictures but don't take to long, ok? Your sweetness, your skin... soon I'll starve.

Quit the drama and watch me judge

2009-04-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

As I don't think you wanted to sound dramatic I also don't want to sound bigheaded you know it, at least you used to - and this "used to" is getting frequent - I've read, heard and seen stuff, I read, hear and see stuff, stuff... You say so much has changed, and course as two people I need to adimit both are guilty. But as my text, I'm showing my side. It may or not be right, but at the moment it is what it is to me.
You wrote what you've never said.
You became mute when I still trusted you to keep my secrets, all of them, even the ones I couldn't tell, your right.
You seemed to avoid my company as it didn't please you anymore, your right.
It didin't had to change, but you say it changed for better, you're right?

My sensei told me a few time ago that changes always happen and come with some sort of pain, so if you're letting something change and you're gonna feel pain, change for better. In a month from best friends we turned into strangers. It don't seem better to me.

Can't you help me as I'm starting to burn
no one can save me and you know I don't want the attention (8)

I'll always wish you the best.

Big jokers

2009-04-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

We are such big jokers, aren't we? We start with a joke, and minutes later we're punching each other for real. After all this? We cry, rivers and rivers. But stopping to think, it makes me belive in everything. These everything that before sounded me so vague. Yeah you've made me suffer quite a bit. But among the pain you made me very happy, and now I know that there's no pain anymore. I'm sure, I can give all of me again, you showed me. You care, you want, you love me back.

Love, the one that once had doubts.

I don't.

2009-04-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

I could start this in many other ways, but here it goes. You ruined it. The surprise I made it hoping it to be the real restart and you simply blowed it up. I made a really sweet thing for you, I knew the answer I was going to receive, but you talked to me as that day, again, as we were nothing, as it...
Fuck, then I had to hear someone saying: yeah, I made him do it, did you get angry? Because I really wanted you to get angry. Wait. Let me make it better...

~ x ~

I walked to meet them, as near I noticed his face was like shit. I knew he had seen it, he wanted it, so why? She was laughing as she told me he was mad. When I tought, pitty, it won't be as I imagined and I felt sorry for him. They kept playing, he made me feel as in our last farewell. I almost took my propose back. I was not really laughing, I wasn't happy because he said yes. I was angry, sad, I wanted to leave. At least he seemed to enjoy the whole scene. When finally away from them, I fell asleep, in an unconfortable bus sit, tired. Waking up, I had made my way till the metro station, I climbed down the stairs, bought the ticket and entered the vagoon. The alarm hang, the doors closed and it hit me, I placed my head between my arms and knees and tears rolled down. No old lady to talk to, nor a word the entire night, sweet dreams I said. Silence, again.

Tear us apart

2009-04-09T20:09:00.000-07:00

You feel, don't you? Feel that we're drifting far. In some strange way, inadvertently. The exchange of words we once had vanished, the endless chats, the secrets kept. It's happening, we're turning into another 'thing'. Are you done with my world? Because I'm not done with yours, and it's not because I wanna hear you whispering I love you. I really miss our laughters, I miss our terrible tries to record our cd, our insistance to understand the understandable universe, our movies, even if you sleep instead watching them.

We know, my beloved friend.

P.S.: "There's only ONE way, TWO say, those THREE words, FOUR you" (8)

Again?

2009-04-05T15:44:00.000-07:00

It took so long. After a couple cracks I even tought I didn't want anymore, actually I was pretty much convinced. But then...

Spyking

2009-04-02T15:36:00.000-07:00

What to do when you suddenly get spykes? Not normal one. These seem to be the sharpest, poisonous. Made of two tips, craved in their owners and lovers. Any moviment and they go deeper and deeper down the flesh, taking blood for toxines. One sweet, delightful. The other bitter, painful. As a price the pain, before alien from the inoccent. The desventure of the sweetly poisoned and the grief of torned wishes from the bitterly cursed. Dual and wrongful crime.

Waste

2009-03-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

I came here to talk about something. To talk about something I came here. I don't have nothing in mnd, so I'll leave. ^^'

2008-12-26T19:13:00.000-08:00

"O amor é o ridículo da vida. A gente procura nele uma pureza impossível, uma pureza que está sempre se pondo. A vida veio e me levou com ela. Sorte é se abandonar e aceitar essa vaga ideia de paraiso que nos persegue, bonita e breve, como borboletas que só vivem 24 horas. Morrer não doi."

Cazuza

While you're falling

2008-12-25T21:13:00.000-08:00

This intangible perfection your foolish eyes see... try to treat you, and YOU rather silly misunderstands the plague, distorcing the characters and leting your very own essence fade.
Carry all this weight will just make standing more difficult, but that doesn't mean you won't. You reminds me the angels I draw, jumping of the buildings, with their grace and wings, instead using it to fly. Unfortunately you have to do it on your own, but I'll be by your side when you need some support to not fall again.

Iron Maiden - becoming what you call sick.

2008-12-23T18:02:00.000-08:00

The cuts didn't help at all. The blades didn't seem so sharp, the wounds didn't ache that much with the touch of the wet cotton. Only the leaking of blood ending in drops like the tears I can't burst calmed me for a while. The smoke didn't distroyed my lungs and those cheap glasses didn't affect my liver. Sleeping was a useless.
Nothing reaches... not even close to your voice of damnation like tight chains smashing my bones, stoping my breathe, traping my words. Or your judgment eyes taking my clothes off and boiling my skin. The disapointment when it's clear that who was suppose to be by your side always forces you into what they think is good,and your happiness must be what their blinded vision believes. Protection that kills inside, and blackens the soul.

Talking about stars...

2008-12-21T18:27:00.000-08:00

"You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine"

Yvaine - Stardust

Shining Stars

2008-12-17T16:34:00.001-08:00

Silly, wanna know why I keep my head down as I walk around?
Because you shine so bright my eyes can't stand it.

To my beloved friend ♥